A Crappy Fact

Poop is an amazing thing. After several semi successful bowel movements today, I thought to myself how incredible it was that no matter how much we devour, it all eventually jettisons out of our body like a slimy brown torpedo. OR a magnificent yellowish shower of putrid hate from a rectal garden hose, depending on what type of mood your body is in.

I can see why the people who have the mindset that we should do nothing but take vitamins and eat nothing but the bare essentials, do what they do. I mean what's the point? You're just going to crap it all out anyways! You're body digests and processes all that it needs from the food you take and unloads the rest. So why even bother eating that bowl of nachos followed by a cup of choocolate caramel syrup mix? It's going to be gone in 10-15 minutes regardless. Of course if you did follow the strict vitamin only regimen, I'm assuming you would just shoot out nothing but a bunch of hollow plastic capsules, which would definitely wreak havoc on your rectum.

Anyways, I bring up poop only because, like I said with my glorious opening statement, that it truly is an amazing thing. You are reminded by bodily pain that your stomach is full of toxic waste, and after the agonizing process of relieving yourself of said pain you are rewarded with a few moments of bliss. Relaxed, harmonious bliss, for all of the effort you put forth for pushing that nasty garbage out of your body.

Most people I know equate the experience of shitting to that of a holy experience. Once they leave the bathroom, you can hear the rest of the water rushing down the toilet, but only just barely because the person (almost always male) is too busy exclaiming to the world what an amazing body log they just gave to the world. Even their exclamations they try to impart onto all that can hear can barely be heard because they are laughing so incredibly hard. One can only assume this is because they are just so overwhelmed with happiness because they got that much closer to heaven. Or they're just stupid.

Personally I can attest to one experience where I reached Nirvana by means of defecation. Before I did though I had to travel through several levels of hell.
While in the military you are forced to eat all kinds of food that will do nothing to your stomach but turn whatever is in your insides into solid concrete. I can't say that it is a good thing, but it definitely boosts your ego. Poop wise anyway.

For several days I had not had one stomach churning, bubbly type feeling or movement of any kind to suggest that I was going to pass a mud baby in the immediate future. I didn't think much of it at the time, I was more thankful that I didn't have to take time out of my day to sit on the toilet for fifteen minutes and then bleach my ass three times a day. When suddenly it hit me.

While in my room a sharp stabbing pain hit my stomach. I knew exactly what was happening and what I was about to give to the world. I doubled over in agony and forced myself to crawl into my bathroom. Once I finally made it to the ivory dais known as the toilet I grabbed whatever solid surface I could find and prepared for what was to come. But that was the problem, I was not prepared.

Suddenly all of the sound went out of the room, I could hardly breathe. All of the energy in my body was being zapped out of me. I was losing focus, control, I was letting my body take over my mind. The turd now had control. Regaining some kind of control I managed to focus all of my energy to one focal point of my intestines and push.

Suddenly everything started to go black. Instead of hearing nothing, I started to hear a ringing in my ears. The pain kept overtaking my body to amazing new heights, but I had come this far and there was no giving up now. Where there was once darkness there was now specks of light. Like when the Enterprise goes into light speed in Star Trek. Finally when I thought I had given up all hope everything stopped and I found myself on the floor. Three minutes of my life are literally missing because of this incident.

Tears were running down my face, I was out of breath and my body felt like I had been molested. I had made it through alive and in one piece. All I could do is sigh in relief. Sweet, beautiful relief, which made the tears seem more like salty hands caressing my face, comforting me for the hard journey I went through.

Sadly, that relief was short lived because now I had to face the horror that I bestowed onto the world and then flush that evil away forever. I was mortified to look into the toilet and see what had come out of my body. My imagination ran wild with visions of a giant brown slug with a human head and octopus arms, or a pulsating caterpiller that glows with hate. Instead, when I got the bravery to actually gaze upon the wonder of which I created, I saw what closely resembled a baby arm holding a hand grenade. Which is just as horrifying. I flushed it immediately praying it would never return.

I can definitely sum up this experience as the scene in Total Recall when Quaid pulls the giant tracker ball out of his skull through his nose. Just replace nose with asshole and you've got the idea. I hope to never go through this experience again. Reaching that level of relief/Nirvana was amazing, but I would never want to travel through that many hoops of fire ever again. Plus I wasn't able to walk or sit properly for someting like three hours afterwards.

So it's a Fact: Poop can bring us much enlightment if we allow it, or push hard enough. If you're like me you'll end up like David Bowman in 2001 and saying "My God, it's full of stars!" in the middle of the experience, but it will be mixed with horrific images from David Lynch's Eraserhead afterwards.